Two of Donald Trump’s favorite things came together last week — gold and sacrilege — and the poor president wasn’t even able to enjoy their unholy union in person, wah. The whole demented story began two years ago after the incident in Butler, Pennsylvania. Some crypto bros wanted to cheer up their MAGA idol/make money off a stupid scheme, and decided to kill those two birds with one stone statue. They commissioned artist Alan Cottrill to make a statue of Trump with his fist in the air, a pose he assumed that day in PA. Then the crypto bros, $PATRIOT, had a plot to use the image of the statue to sell bigly amounts of their coins, only a couple things went kerflooey: 1) Trump launched his own $TRUMP crypto coin which sucked up the targeted audience, and 2) the $PATRIOT guys didn’t tell Cottrill they were putting the statue image on their coin, an act Cottrill said violated his intellectual property rights. I’d that wager erecting a monolith of Trump is some kind of intellectual violation itself, but art is subjective.
Cottrill and $PATRIOT eventually worked out a settlement payment, and sometime between commissioning and resolving payment disputes, the crypto bros asked Cottrill to cover the ginormous bronze statue in, you guessed it, gold leaf. So the unveiling went down last Wednesday at Trump’s Miami golf course with the 15-foot statue plopped down on a seven-foot pedestal bringing the full monstrosity to 22-feet-tall. Trump’s friend, Pastor Mark Burns, was also involved in the statue planning, so naturally he presided over the unveiling. A man of God, celebrating a golden idol. The memes write themselves…
It says a lot about our current president that in response to the news that a giant gold statue of Donald Trump was dedicated this week, you have to ask, “Which one?” … Today, we’re focusing on a statue dubbed Don Colossus, which now sits outside the Trump National Doral Miami golf course. The statue, which depicts Trump with his fist raised, was commissioned by the $PATRIOT cryptocurrency group shortly after the Butler, Pennsylvania, assassination attempt. Artist Alan Cottrill finished it before Trump’s second inauguration, as the New York Times reported earlier this year. But then Don Colossus was held hostage in a payment dispute between Cottrill and the crypto bros. The disagreement was resolved this spring when an anonymous donor stepped in and paid the artist the remainder of what he said he was owed.
So in late April, the 15-foot statue was placed atop a seven-foot pedestal on the grounds of Trump’s Miami golf course. And on Wednesday, the statue was formally unveiled at a dedication ceremonyby Pastor Mark Burns, a friend of the president who helped orgazine the project.
At this point, you’re probably thinking, Uh, isn’t gathering to praise a giant golden statue textbook idolatry? I’m glad you (hypothetically) asked because this was actually one of the very first things Burns addressed in the captions to his Instagram posts on the event.
“Let me be clear: this is not a golden calf. We worship the Lord Jesus Christ and Him alone,” he wrote.
This is a real “My ‘Not a Golden Calf’ shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt,” situation. And Donald Trump seems to recognize this.
Eric Trump clarified back in February that $PATRIOT is not an official Trump-family meme coin.
Obviously, however, the Trumps do have an “association” of some kind with $PATRIOT, in that they allowed it to install a huge statue on the president’s golf course. The Times reported that Pastor Burns had been sending statue updates to Trump all along, and he claimed the president had planned to attend its unveiling. … Instead, he just called Burns during the ceremony.
Sure, Pastor Burns. Whatever you need to tell yourself. But if it waddles like a golden calf and brays like a golden calf… you get the idea. For those keeping count, this is at least the second Butler, PA-related work of “art” in Trump’s orbit, and what an ugly f–king piece it is. And this is the improved version! Sculptor Alan Cottrill told the NY Times that his patrons said the initial draft was too lifelike: “The crypto guys said I had to get rid of some of the turkey neck. I had to thin him down.” LOL! But the jokes on them, because A) it’s still hideous, and B) it still got nicknamed DON COLOSSUS! I know “colossus” is a statue term, but it’s just too on the nose for Trump. It’s like the way he thinks “Trump Derangement Syndrome” is a clever, unironic turn of phrase. Anyway, denizens of the southern part of the Sunshine State: protect your eyes! Between the glare and the ick, sunglasses are a must when coming within 100-feet of Don Colossus: A Monument to Trump Derangement Syndrome.
PS — Apparently The Boys predicted the gold statue on a recent episode?? Wild.
It’s literally God’s oldest rule not to do this. pic.twitter.com/xgt5d9k0V9
— Stefan Smith (@TheStefanSmith) May 8, 2026
